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Small Stuff

I’ve been on my feet continually for four days, and my right knee has decided it’s had enough. I hobble to the top of the stairs clutching my water bottle, a flask of soup and the camera, but it doesn’t take me long to realise there’s no way I’m walking a mile and a half to the gallery this morning. Despondent, I sit on the wall outside and call a taxi – another cost to add to the spiralling budget for this exhibition I really didn’t want to do in the first place.

I’m tired and grumpy. I limp from the taxi up the dodgy alleyway to the gallery entrance. I’ve arrived earlier than usual, so I have a little time after opening up to compose myself before anyone else arrives. My knee’s decided to settle down since I spent all that money to placate it, and I promise it I’ll remember to sit down more often today. I know I’ll forget once I’m in the zone, but it’s the thought that counts.

It’s early March 2024, and this is the second Three Photographers’ exhibition. I don’t know it yet, but it’s also the early rumbling of my first brush with COVID-19, which will knock me flat within hours of packing up. I’m not supposed to feel so negative about having my art on display in a public gallery, but virus-induced exhaustion and grief are beginning to catch up with me. I’ve already been ill three times in the short weeks since my mother’s death.

I take a few deep breaths and decide to walk round the gallery as if I’m seeing it all for the first time. Here are the sublime photos of the meadow I grew to know and love so well during lockdown, seen through eyes very different from my own. At the back of the gallery are the glorious images of people waiting in line to view a dead queen’s corpse. Who but us Brits would queue with such style and such stoicism?

My co-conspirators and I have expended much effort in persuading visitors to circumnavigate to gallery clockwise, which is probably why I’m travelling anticlockwise now. I still feel ambivalent about my own contribution to the exhibition. Small Stuff – a celebration of insignificance. A slightly ill-prepared celebration if I’m honest, but the last few months have been all about accepting that there are circumstances over which I have no control – death, food poisoning and the rail network for starters. Nonetheless I find myself drawn in, this time not by the photographer’s skill, but by the breathtaking beauty of a tiny hover fly suspended from a flower.

The arrogance of the human species often leaves me speechless. We delude ourselves that we’re in control of this incredible planet we live on, but our part of it is no more than a superficial layer. The truth is that even entomologists with years of experience are not 100% certain how many different types of hover fly inhabit a meadow. There are whole worlds within this world that we know almost nothing about.

One of the things I love best about macro photography is that I can line up a shot of the tiniest creature on a blade of grass, yet when I get home to view it on a bigger screen two or three of its far smaller neighbours, invisible to the naked eye, appear. This ability to see into miniature worlds has enthralled me for as long as I can remember. Even today, the sense of awe can still short circuit the grumpiness, so when my fellow photographers arrive I’m ready to smile and put the kettle on.

The very last stop on my reverse circuit of the gallery is my blurb – the explanation of my choice to photograph insignificant objects and creatures, from reels of thread to honey bees, for my corner of our exhibition …

One Christmas, many years ago, my parents gave me a dolls’ house. It wasn’t new, but it had been refurbished with love. My father had fitted individual electric lights in every room, while my mother had dressed each of the dolls exquisitely. I fell in love with the tiny furniture, the miniature household items and the dolls.

I was a solitary child, living almost wholly in my own imagination. I kept a pet rock in the garden, and a sliver of flint that might have been an ancient arrowhead in a box in my bedroom, alongside an acorn cup. These insignificant things were hugely precious to me.

As years passed, I put away childish things. Life became dominated by the important, urgent and significant. My lack of success taught me that I’m by nature a sower of seeds rather than a reaper of harvests – someone who nurtures small things and learns to let go of the results.

My seventieth year has been dominated by the slow demise of my mother. The gradual fading of this once strong woman has gifted me much time for reflection at her beside, while soothing her as one might a fretful baby. Never in my life has insignificance been thrown into such sharp focus. The smallest knock of my teacup on the bedside cabinet could wake her in a panic. The touch of a finger on her cheek would reassure her. The achievements of a lifetime at the helm of a family, a career and a community had all melted away to leave behind a frightened child, still reliving the unresolved trauma of wartime evacuation.

Through all this, the creative urge held and nurtured me. The morning photo walk along the quayside in Ipswich. The afternoons among the autumn trees in the park behind the care home. And above all, coming back home to the small stuff. The insects in the community garden, the objects that clutter my home now just as they did the bedrooms of my childhood, and the sense that no amount of important, urgent or significant can ever be worth more than the insignificant details that make up a life.

Small Stuff is dedicated to the memory of

Pamela Eileen Hulford (2nd October 1929 – 7th December 2023)

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In praise of hover flies, or a little knowledge is a dangerous thing

Against my better judgement, the September sunshine has lured me out of my flat, and my broken toe grumbles sullenly as I shuffle under the railway bridge. At the far end of the tunnel, a man on a ladder is applying white paint to the wall with a roller. At first I fear it’s anti-graffiti paint, but when I return after a few minutes’ sheep-watching at the city farm, he’s atop the ladder, iPhone in one hand, brush in the other, sketching out the initial lines for a new painting. I admire the skill and patience of street artists, especially those whose work doesn’t attract the price tag of a Banksy. It takes some kind of grit when you know your efforts are going to be obliterated in days, or mere hours. I think perhaps these wielders of spray cans have learned something crucial about the impermanence of life that I have yet to grasp.

Onward to the community garden, and my eye is drawn to the bed of marigolds that have been left to grow wild and golden. Insects of all kinds love marigolds, and I love photographing insects, so it’s one of my favourite places. A plump hover fly is doing what it does best above one of the taller flowers, and I’m away with the camera.

It seems incomprehensible now that I lived more than sixty years with no idea what a hover fly was. Until around four years ago, I believed firmly that any black-and-yellow creature that buzzed was either a bee or a wasp. Bees were revered as pollinators and creators of honey. I remember the hives at the end of my grandfather’s garden when I was a child, and the honey, dark as treacle, that we ate with bread and butter when we went to tea. Wasps, on the other hand, were reviled as disruptors of summer picnics, and served no useful purpose at all, that I could discern.

I’d discovered the sting in both their tails at an early age, and had no wish to repeat the experience. My father once told me that my grandfather used to let his bees to sting his hands because their venom relieved rheumatism, but I strongly suspected the mere pain of the stings would be sufficient to take his mind off anything else that ailed him. While I’d never have killed either a bee or a wasp, I was more than happy to keep a safe distance from both. All that changed one summer afternoon in this very garden, when I discovered the delights of bee photography.

In the early stages of obsession, my sole aim was to take a photograph of a bee, preferably in flight and hopefully in focus. This wasn’t easy, given that everything I knew about the technical skills of photography could have been written on the back of a postage stamp. But it’s not for nothing I’ve been called a stubborn woman (the description was less polite, but I’m trying to make this a family-friendly post) so I persisted. The camera came with me everywhere I went, and if a yellow-and-black-striped creature crossed my path, I snapped at it like a hungry frog.

The first lesson was that bees move incredibly fast. If you don’t use a high shutter speed, you’re not going to get a bee in flight, but you’ll probably get some great shots of flowers. Next, as I peered at ever more bees through my brand new macro lens, I began to see where the myth that they’re aerodynamically incapable of flight must’ve originated. If you watch an average bee launch itself backwards from a flower, it really doesn’t look as if it ought to be able to fly. But what’s an average bee? There are around two hundred and fifty species in the UK, depending on your source of information, and that’s not including a couple of creatures that look like bees but actually aren’t. Ah, don’t you just love the precision of Google? But maybe it’s not simple inaccuracy. In truth, it’s likely nobody knows the precise number of bee species. Science is a journey of constant discovery, rather like my photography.

I was walking home from work one summer afternoon when things began to get complicated. The black-and-yellow creature in my sights didn’t look like any of the bees I’d ever seen. It was hovering just above its target flower, which made it easy to get a reasonable shot, and when I got home, Google told me it was a hover fly. I’d never heard of a hover fly, but I wasn’t much fazed. So, there was a buzzing thing out there that didn’t fit my wasp versus bee world view? I didn’t see the need to change. It was an anomaly. A harmless fly, masquerading as a major player. A sheep in wolf’s clothing.

Fast forward two years, and we’re all in lockdown. I’m spending my allotted hours of exercise meandering in a meadow, and as spring melts into summer, I’m on an unexpected learning curve. Not only am I discovering more plants and grasses than were dreamt of in my philosophy, but I’m seeing ever growing numbers of black-and-yellow anomalies hovering over them. There are large flies and tiny ones, long ones and round ones, fat, thin, brightly striped and subtle ones. I’m fast becoming fascinated.

Google tells me around two hundred and seventy species of hover flies have been identified in the UK. Its circumspect use of language suggests there may be more, as yet unknown, and I’ve always loved a mystery. Hover flies are more diverse and mysterious even than bees, it seems, and I lived sixty-three years with no idea they existed. How did that happen? Happily, their hovering habit means they’re far easier than bees to photograph in flight, and they don’t have a sharp end either. Knocking sourdough baking off the top spot, hover flies become my new lockdown obsession.

An image of my grandfather watching the bees explore his hands has stayed with me ever since my father told me the story. Grandad himself loved a story. I can remember him on his deathbed, telling tales of the canary girls in the mustard gas factories of the First World War, their skin stained yellow by the chemicals they used. My son, not yet five years old, was so absorbed by the story that he fell off the bed into the laundry basket. He still remembers the moment as vividly as I remember the bees.

When Grandad died, I decided to find out how much truth there was in the idea that bee stings could cure arthritis. This was 1988, the low-fat era of the F-plan diet and Edwina Curry’s obsession with eggs. The books I consulted assured me the idea had no basis in scientific fact, so I filed it under Painful Old Wives’ Tales, and quietly forgot, until the bee obsession struck.

One of the things I love about real science is that it’s not afraid to change its mind when faced with new evidence. The certainty of that late 1980s belief has yielded to more recent research that suggests Grandad might not have been wholly crazy after all. It’s possible bee venom might actually contain compounds with anti-inflammatory properties, that had yet to be discovered when I raided the public library, more than thirty years ago. It was around the same time as I began to fear my grandfather’s suffering might have been in vain that David Icke discovered the Queen was a lizard. I have no idea how he came by such knowledge, but his belief has been unshakeable for more than three decades. I assume he’s kept up with the latest research, and his findings have never been superseded, but maybe … just maybe he’s simply avoiding knowledge which might call old certainties into question.

A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing, especially when it challenges our most cherished beliefs. The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off, as Gloria Steinem apparently liked to say. I’ve been reading Padraig O Tuama’s In the Shelter:Finding a Home in the World. He quotes a Dictionary of Etymology, which ‘notes that a particular Germanic rootword contributing to [the word] ‘believe’ means ‘to make palatable to oneself”. Real knowledge is seldom palatable. The truth is usually not what we want to hear. In fact, sixty-seven years and more on this beautiful planet have shown me exactly how little I really know about anything, which wasn’t in the least what I expected when I set out. Nonetheless, there’s something deeply magical about inhabiting a world filled with unfathomable mysteries, impermanent certainties, limitless questions, circumstances wholly beyond my control … and picnic-disrupting wasps, of course.

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